BarLifeUK will be at the Portobello Star tonight (15-12-2013), reporting live as the 2013 Alternative Bar Awards unfold.
We apologise in advance for the inevitably poor spelling, grammar and offensive content we will be posting as the night wears on.
Live coverage
19:36 – We’re here. Midnight Hour is playing and Tim Stones is still wearing men’s clothes.
19:42 – Lyndon Higginson is here. Any lingering hope of being productive tomorrow just evaporated in a puff of rum.
20:00 – The Star is filling up. No sign of our host for tonight thus far, but the awards have just arrived:
220:14 – Can we take this opportunity to welcome our international readers. Steve, Giuseppe and the rest of the Yanks – welcome. Chris Hysted and the Aussies – well played chaps, you beat us fair and square. We Englishmen doff our caps to your Baggy Greens…
20:21 – Bar power couple Monica Berg and Alex Kretana just arrived. The music stopped for a moment while we mentally added up all the non-alternative awards they have won between them. It’s a lot…
20:29 – Here we go. Jake is wearing a gold lame suit. The awards are a go…
20:31 – Introductory remarks. “2013, what a fucking year… We lost our beloved friend Henry Besant. Please raise your glasses.”
20:32 – “We also lost half the bar industry to Australia. They will all be back when they realise Sydney is a cultural wasteland surrounded by fire”
20:34 – “… And more than anything tonight, we celebrate breasts”
20:35 – ‘The Gin Princess Tim Stones makes her entrance. Unfortunately, from where I type this, I can see up her skirt”
20:37 – Best LGBT. Nominees – Tom Vernon, Rowan, Mark Ludmon. Coco.
And the winner is Coco
Shut up and make me a Negroni, Nominees – Ryan Chumbawumba, Entire staff of Nightjar, Dan Hoobley boobley (Wife’s tears as ingredient), Gaz regan, all the competition enterers this year –
Winner. Ryan Chumba womba
TV Personality of the year. Nominees – JJ Goodman. Jake Burger. Alex Kammerling. gareth Evans.
The winner is: JJ Goodman.
Biggest Sellout of the year. Nominees – Matthew Dakers. Paul Mant. Joe Gunner. Pierre Limon. Pete Jeery.
The winner: Matthew Dakers.
Fittest Rep / Hanger on: Nominees – Camille Vidal. Nikki Stringfellow. Metinne KingKongKarilla. Rebekkah Dooley. Fabrice Limon. Shannon McCoy.
Winner: Camille Vidal. She’s not here, so Tim Stones wins!!
Worst Toilets – The Star, Trailer, The Rum Kitchen, Alibi, The Liars Club. The ANchor Bondi.
Winner: The Rum Kitchen.
Shittest Tattoo: Nominees – Hannah Sharmon Cox. Matthew Pommeroy. Alistair Burgess. Paul McFadyen. Timothy Ward.
Winner: Timothy Ward.
The Biggest Assets in the industry: Yael Weisberg. Emma Stokes. Shervene Shazbazbangers. Helena Fleur. Miss Kelly Brooke,.
Winner: Emma Stokes (Gin Monkey)
INTERVAL – Jake is doing a magic trick, he just Iced the whole bar!!!!
Everyone is down on one knee. We’ll be back in 10 minutes.
21:15 – T-Minus 3 minutes
And we are back. The next category:
Least influential. Nominees: Tom Sandham. Ben McFarland (the other tom). CLASS magazine. BarLifeUK.
Winner: Tom Sandham.
New category! Fuck off we never liked you anyway, Nominees: Dudb Dub, Paul Mant, Jamie Kimber. Zdenek, Bex Almquist. James Coston. Dan Priseman. Will Pineapple.
Winner: Paul Mant.
The Repatriation award – (show will get shipped back first). Nominees – Dub Dub. Pete Jeery. Jack Hubbard. Alexx Hair Mousse. Paul Mant. Stu Hudson.
Winner: Stu Hudson.
Blue Ribbon Award – Most Tollerable Foreigner. Nominees – michael Mannigoss, Jacob Briars, Johan Ekland, Adam from he star. Guiseppe Ginsazez (Mexico)
Winner: Johan Ekland
Leat Tollerable Foreginer. Nomination: Stu Hudson. Dean Callan. Will Pineapple. Jamie Mac. Steve Schneider. Philip Duff. Greg – the bloke who stitched Giuseppe up and we all hate him.
Winner: Greg the bloke who stitched Giuseppe up and we all hate him
Monkey Shoulder iSpoons for the first 100 people here tonight!!
Nicest Piece. Nominees are: Dean Callan – Electra. Jacob Briars – Charlotte. Claire Smith – Dan Warner. Alex Kratena – Simone. Stu Hudson – Andrea. Amy Mercer – Barry Wilson. Isaak – Melissa. Mrs Loincz.
Winner: Stu Hudson – Andrea Montegue
Last award coming!
Lifetime underachievement award.
Winner: Pete Jeery for only managing to have one kid!
And that’s it! Thank you for staying with us. I hope you backed a winner. We are now off to get stocious, because drinking and typing is hard.
ENDS